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Bug the Columnist

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What's New

My feeling has always been, "If you're going to be ignored, at least do it loudly." This explains the new logo, which if I designed it properly, has taken up over half of your entire screen and made you very irritated that you had to wait so long for it to load up. But at least it's spelled right.

Now you can help me by placing little ads wherever you can, saying "Check this guy and his ridiculously large, colorful logo!"

First of all, I reorganized the bar on the left, so that the "Other Stuff" comes after everything related to this site. That way, it will be easier for your to skip over all of the stuff I've done, and quickly find links that will get you out of here.

And to further assist you, I put a new link that will get you out of here, along with its own Big Fancy Button which I personally designed. It is a link to (as you might have guessed) Walter Miller's Home Page, which as I'm sure I've mentioned before, is in my eyes, by far the greatest (really) website that exists. It features the consistently brilliant, hilarious writing and frightening lack of correct spelling of one Walter V. I. Miller, who with his spartan presentation and humble disposition, presents us with the height of satirical prose, and provides a paradoxical devil's advocate for the internet itself, lambasting its absurdities while providing plenty of its own. It is a metaphor for the information superhighway. Funny, scary, ridiculous, disgusting, brilliant, and in the end, utterly useless.

In other words, go there. It doesn't get any better.

That hit counter I installed has not exactly been "lighting the world on fire", you may have noticed. I attribute this to the fact that I'm not on enough websites called "The Way Awesome Site of the Day", and "Somewhat Humorous Central". Yes, advertising is the key, and in the spirit of blatant self-promotion that this great mess of an internet was founded on, I present to you...

The Official "Perimeter" Link Button

Try it! It works!

I encourage everyone to steal this graphic right off of this page and staple-gun it to any page you have authorial rights to. I'm not going to include the "necessary HTML" as many other places offering official buttons tend to do, because my feeling is, if you don't already know how to do it, then your page probably sucks to begin with, and I want nothing to do with it.

If we all pull together with this, I know one day we'll be able to gaze lovingly at the hit counter, and exclaim, "This is a UNIX system! I know this!"

I have finally indulged in the most egotistical thing a webmaster can do, besides calling himself a "webmaster", which basically means, "I can press the less-than and greater-than keys." Yes, I've installed...

A Hit Counter

Those of you who have been with me from the start might remember my little guide to putting up hit counters. I have, of course, ignored all of that advice, and just slapped it over there on the left.

Now all that's left to do is sit here and reload the page 38492 times so it looks like I'm popular.

Oh, also, I changed the colors of the links, mainly because the name of the color I was using for one of them was called "powderpuff", and there was no way in hell that I was going to let a color named "powderpuff" sashay around on a manly, testosterone-oozing page like this.

I'm now using "fruitcake maroon" for old links and "latent homosexual blue" for new ones.

Another new column, glistening with comedy and dripping with irony, has been exposed. You may have noticed that when you first got to the front page, all the words were different. From now on, that will be your clue that the new column is up. This way, you'll feel more independent, as you become more expert in determining on your own when new columns have been introduced, and I will save time by not having to write these silly little update notices. My, oh my, what a wonderful day.

This week's column is now up for perusal. Actually, it's not really 4/1 yet, it's still 3/31, but I needed to get this out of the way so I can put the finishing touches on the April Fools Day Spectacular. This is going to really be something special. I know a lot of other periodicals acknowledge this special time of year by just filling up their latest issue with a lot of silly garbage. We're not gonna do that here at The Perimeter. No, we're going to give you something you've never seen before. Something so shocking, so unmitigatedly earth-shattering, that your life will probably never be the same again.

Oh, I'm too excited. I just can't wait. OK, here you go. All of us here at The Perimeter are extremely proud to present to you...

See you next year.

And in other news, the latest Wiggles' Editorial is up and ready, so go check it out, or I'll have to show you the Easter Spectacular or something. Maybe the Set All Your Clocks Ahead One Hour Day Spectacular.

Hey, here's a big newsflash. The page looks different. If the columns themselves can't generate enough interest to capture a large audience, perhaps I can persuade you to come back every once in a while by just changing the location of all the little buttons. That way, the page is both food for your mind (well, pop tarts, at least), and also a challenge to your hand-eye coordination and reflexes. It's kind of like the computer game "Doom", except we frown on the use of double-barreled shotguns while you are visiting the page. Rocket launchers are OK, though.

In addition to changing the locations of the buttons, we now have an Exciting New Logo, which took our graphics department literally minutes to scribble down, mainly because our graphics department had been drinking too many Diet Pepsis at his desk and had to take a leak.

Also, there are now new buttons you can press. One of them is called "What's New", and will take you to a screen describing what's new. Here's a sample quote from this page:

'Also, there are now new buttons you can press. One of them is called "What's New", and will take you to a screen describing what's new.'
Obviously, you can see that this page will be a valuable resource for anyone interested in practicing moving their mouse cursor across the screen.

Finally, if you're interested in reading things by someone who isn't threatened by his psyche into continually being a smart-ass, please check out Wiggles' Editorials, which contain writings by my lovely companion herself. It is also a link to our very own homepage, which features such important information about ourselves as what our cats like to eat.

Again, thank you for visiting the The Perimeter, and I hope you will enjoy the many new features of this otherwise questionable webpage.

This page and the contents therein are copyright (C) 1997, by Ben Parrish. Don't mess with it. Or I'll throw food at you.