What's New

June 27, 2003

ho has the time to visit websites where you're guaranteed a sopping wet cumrag full of content on a daily, or even weekly basis? Not me, that's for sure, because that would take valuable time away from checking my email five times a minute. No, I prefer a nice website like this one, where we update, without fail, at least once every six months, except for the occasional year where we don't do a goddamn thing.

Normally I'd set everything up here for this big two-fer update with long, poetic sentences about the meaning and meaninglessness of life, and how the act of expressing one'sself on one's own website is both the height of hubris and the purest form of artistry in the world today, and then I would write a lot of sentences with the word "fart" in it, but really, I don't have that kind of time, and I'm just too, too excited to get to the jam-packed mega-update, so you can all read about all the exciting things that haven't been happening to me this year!

One thing I did this year was continue to write incredibly long sentences which comprise the entirety of a single paragraph.

But now, let's get to the update!

2003 was shaping up to be a banner year, for approximately 24 minutes, at which time we got the exciting news that my father had decided to just up and croak for no particular reason, unless you count the prostate cancer which had cavorted through his system like a large group of Hispanic children. He had not told anyone other than his wife about this, so you can imagine that it came as something of a surprise to me. I'll recount, if I can remember, the specifics of the conversation during which I learned this news:

"Hey Ben."
"How ya doin'? Oh, BTW? Your dad's dead."
"Wow. That comes as something of a surprise to me."

I tell you this story because the first half of this year was basically a disaster, consisting primarily of me sitting in my bedroom drinking Safeway-Brand "Safeway-Brand" Safeway Vodka from the bottle, punching my cat in the face, and realizing that the only reason I started doing these idiotic updates in the first goddamn place was so my dad could read them and get the terribly misguided sense that I was actually doing something with and/or enjoying my life. As you might imagine, this cut into my "quality-time" which I'd originally planned to do exciting things with. For example: anything.

So, keep all this in mind as we go through the Items, most of which don't even apply anymore, because I just made them up to appease my father. But I couldn't rightly have started the year with a "to-do" list that consisted of four items, three of which were, "stop masturbating so much".

Ready? Have I oversold this already? Well, who cares.

Item #1: Keep It Up - The purpose of this item was to continue doing two things. The first thing was flying, which is the one part of this entire list that I think I truly succeeded at. I've been averaging one flight every week or two, and am gaining skill, experience, and confidence in every flight. Also, as an added bonus (or not, depending on my mood on any particular day) I haven't killed myself or anyone else doing it. Let's hope this continues! Or, as Sammy Sosa once said, I hope to keep it continue. The other part of this item was to keep maintaining accurate financial records and tracking my income and expense in relation to a painstakingly crafted budget with a 10-year plan. This was flushed down the toilet the second I got a new job, because, hey, fuck it! I'm rich! Here's a hundred bucks, go buy yourself something stylish. Grade: C+

Item #2: Get a Fucking Job!! Well, rather than getting a job that was perfect for me, that offered everything I wanted in a position in terms of growth potential, personal interest, and location, I settled instead for, what we in the job hunting business like to call, "the first thing that was offered to me". Now, fortunately, this turned out to be a decent stroke of luck, because the job's actually fairly interesting, and now that it's affording me the time to start writing PWC Intros again, well, that's just icing on the cake. The bad news is that it's a contract job, and the contract ends in approximately one month. What will happen? Will this item have to go back on the list? Will they hire me into a full-time position? Will that chick in the cube one row over accidentally catch her skirt on the side of the copier and have it ripped away, exposing her sweet, sweet underthings? Who knows what the future holds. I'm going to go hang out in the copier room just in case! Grade: B

Item #3: Release Amber Tide, The Ben Parrish Musical Experience - Well, I recorded a bunch of music, which I'm sure you've already heard a thousand times, but it was all very rough, and I never spent any time going back and trying to refine them, or creating something new or interesting after that. So, this is a disaster. Christ, I'm only on item 3 and I already want to stop writing this. Goddammit. I hate this. And I hate you for reading it. Grade: D-

Item #4: Get a New Car Stereo - I did not get a new car stereo. Grade: F

Item #5: Have That Surgery - I did not have that surgery. Grade: F

Item #6: Get Laid 8 Times - Well now. We finally have some "traction", as the unctuous parade of asshole marketing douchebags at this and every other company would say, on this item. Due to the events of last weekend (which I've detailed more than enough on other websites or in person to way too many people), this number now stands at a groundbreaking 3. And after this weekend, I would wager the number will climb up to at least 5! Does this make me the happiest man in the history of the universe? Well, no. But you'll have plenty of time to listen to me bellyaching and whining about this in future Introductions! In the meantime, just take some solace in the fact that, no matter who you are, no matter what problems you're experiencing in your life, at least you're not so screwed up that the prospect of ongoing, unlimited sex actually depresses you to a great extent. Grade: B+ Oh, god. Just fucking kill me. Item #7: Kill me. No, just kidding, Item 7 is really:

Item #7: Be Healthy - If you substitute "drinking less" with "drinking more" and "exercising" with "not exercising" and "being healthy" with "consistently and egregiously polluting and mistreating myself", then I've done everything I promised in this item. Grade: F

Item #8: BRING TEH CONTENT - This is the first thing I've written in six months. Grade: F

Item #9: Avoid Compulsive Behavior - I have not avoided any compulsive behavior, except for the fact that I have not bit my fingernails once this entire year. The grade for this item should really be a D-, but since I'm feeling generous to myself, Grade: D+

Item #10: Embrace Beauty - Oh, fuck off. Grade: F

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Copyright 2003 by Ben Parrish